Where’s That Damn Suit?

My brother-in-law is the type of guy that not only looks damn good and sharp in a suit, but he is comfortable in one. There isn’t an event that he could attend while wearing a suit and look uncomfortable. The man could show up to a beach party dressed to the nines and still look like he belongs there- that’s how well he wears these things.

Not my brother-in-law, but an accurate depiction.

Me? I show up to wakes and the guy in the box is wearing his finery better than I am.

In fact, I have promised to haunt the hell out of any remaining family members if when I die, they choose to bury me in a suit.

Ties completely befuddle me. Until recently, I had no clue that there were about 92 different ways to knot one. I’ve been using one knot the entire time. Apparently, that’s a major no-no, and depending on the thickness of the tie, color of the tie, make of the tie, time of day, season of the year, altitude, barometric pressure, severity of the gala you’re attending, and brand of perfume worn by the hostess- there is a different knot you should be using.

“Oh my Charles…here we are at a birthday party after five on a Tuesday in June, and that….man…is wearing a thin tie with a half windsor knot done over with a 3/4 twist overhand backbow. How DID he get in here?”

“I can assure you Clarice, I have no idea. I shall see to it that he is beaten by the servants after they throw him out of here. The NERVE of some people.”

Some of these look like accidents. (source: ties.com)

Looking at the image above, all I can think of is that anyone who ties any of the last four knots is doing the grown up equivalent of a toddler standing on the couch before a swan dive into pillows lining the floor: “Mommy! Look at me!”

All this being said….in spite of my befuddlement and confusion and discomfort, there are times when I need to shed my bumpkin ways and put on a suit and look like an idiot.

Job interviews for one. As if interviews aren’t awkward and uncomfortable enough, now I need to sit there in ill-fitting attire that is making me sweat and somehow or other feel naked at the same time, with shoes that aren’t hardly fit to WALK in, much less do anything else at all, and wearing a tie that probably looks more like a hangman’s noose than an attempt at civility.

Job interview protocol needs to change. Immediately. Applicants need to be allowed to show up dressed for the job they’re interviewing for rather than one of those faceless mannequins you see at a Johnathan Reid store.

“You want this job? Let’s see how well you wear attire that you’ll never even once be asked to wear while working this job.” – How does that make sense?

“Oh man, you can REALLY rock those khakis and golf shirt. You’ve got the IT job.”

“Your jeans are the perfect shade of faded. Welcome to the contracting industry.”

…THESE make sense.

But…I’m just complaining.

On Friday, I need to be wearing my finest monkey suit when I go back on my 3.5 hour drive to the job I’m hoping to land. I’ll tie a tie and shine my shoes. I’ll make sure I’m not wearing white socks, and that I’ve buttoned only one of the buttons on the suit jacket. (that’s a thing, look it up.) I’ll dance the dance in the hopes that I never have to go through one of these interviews again, and I shall hide the finery in the closet until someone dies or gets married.

….What? I have a wedding to go to a mere three days later? You’re joking.

Oh well. At least I don’t have to wear a tuxedo. You want awkward? AD in a tux is about as bad as it gets. Accidentally asking a non-pregnant lady when she is due is less uncomfortable than I am in a tuxedo, but I’ve had to wear one more times than I care to count…those though…are stories for another time.


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