Me. Right Now.

Dear readers, it is common knowledge that there are things in life we should avoid. Standing between a mother bear and her cubs, smoking at a gas pump, or responding as requested to the old “pull my finger” gag spring readily to mind. These are all things which, if done- could result in serious negative repercussions. It takes only a smidgen of common sense to realize this.

In fact, one could go so far as to say that knowledge of such dangers goes beyond common sense and into the realm of instinctive behavior.

Baffling though, is the fact that there are other such things which SHOULD be instinctive, or at the very least common sense, yet are not.

One such little lesson, which I believe is directly on par with the “don’t eff around with mama bear” example is this:

– When in a back-woods gas station for coffee, avoid the urn whose only label is a blue post-it note with the words “Eye-Opener” scrawled across it in thick black sharpie.

For you see readers, no matter how badly you need a pick-me-up…you don’t need one THAT badly. Take my word for it. This morning, I skipped breakfast again (Mistake #1) because I chose to sleep an extra half an hour, so that I’d be running out the door for work while still pulling on my shoes. I decided that although food was not that high on my priorities list, coffee was today. Considering the lousy sleep we’ve been getting lately, I opted for the above described coffee urn, (Mistake #2) and found the largest size cup they had to offer. (Mistake #3)

Midway through my 24oz cup of errors, while I was standing in the rear of an auditorium monitoring the technological aspects of a back-to-school presentation for faculty and staff, the realization of my situation arrived.

I noted that I couldn’t stand still. Even slightly. I had the jitters- which I don’t often get from coffee. I have no idea what the hell made this cup so potent, but I was- to quote a crusty old reenacting friend of mine- “shakin’ like a dog sh*ttin’ razor blades.”

Idiotically, rather than recognize the gravity of the situation and dump the high-octane havoc down the nearest drain, I chose to finish the cup. (Final mistake) My handwriting as I wrote out my punch list grew more erratic, and I could FEEL myself wind up like a pre-flight jet engine. My stomach jeered at me, my muscles seemed to be doing everything they could to actually leave my body through tumultuous vibration, and the smell of burnt rubber was noticeable to those around me as my brain raced off on me.

– Okay, so the above paragraph may contain a few (is riddled with) slight (insane) embellishments (blatant lies), but you get the idea. I’ve never been so wound up from a single cup of coffee before.

So there are now three things to avoid at gas stations:

  1. The hot dogs that have been on that roller thing since World War One.
  2. Pre-made sandwiches, especially breakfast sandwiches.
  3. The “Eye-Opener” or “High-Test” coffee.

None of the above are fit for human consumption, no matter the level of desperation you may be feeling at any given time.

There was one final reminder that I had made a grave error, but anyone who has had too much coffee on an empty stomach will know what I mean, and I’m not going to go there.

What I worry about most, as I sit here all twitchy and hammering out a post- is the crash that is due to arrive somewhere before lunch. Following the highest high is always the lowest low, and this one promises to be a doozy- problematic since my punch list is already three pages long.

Oh well. I made my bed. Now its time to lay in it….if I could only sit still long enough to lay down.




2 thoughts on ““Eye-Opener”

  1. Thank you, Google images never fails to provide exactly the image one might need at a given time! As for sleep…that’s up to my two year old son. He’s been dictating the amount of rest we’ve been getting lately!

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