Speech Induced Paralysis in the Domesticated Five-Year-Old

The findings detailed in this report were observed coincidentally and quite by accident. The study is by no means complete, and requires further attention by people more qualified in the study of the biological and linguistic characteristics of the domestic five year old.

The Subject- five years old, he is a two-day veteran of Kindergarten, and is often loquacious to the point of irritation to those around him. The extent of his domestication is far-reaching. He is housebroken, can bathe and feed himself, and is capable of expressing his displeasure quite often and rather loudly.

The Setting- A short, .4 mile hiking trail through the woods. No other individuals of the subject’s age group were present. Indeed, beyond the biological relatives of the five-year-old in question, the area was devoid of all other humans. The subject led the way down a narrow dirt path and was followed by myself,  (Person Reporting) My marital partner and better half- subsequently the boy’s mother, and a human grub. (Two year old strapped to my back, unrelated at all to the experiment)

The Findings- It appeared, on numerous occasions, that while the subject was capable of steady, albeit slow locomotion down the path, this ability would cease whenever he decided it was necessary to speak. Oddly, the mouth and the feet are connected, in such a manner that one cannot work in concert with the other.

The Repetition- Upon initial observation of this strange phenomenon, it became clear that prompting repetition was not necessary. The subject was more than willing to continue to talk, the subject matter was varied and often completely unintelligible. Regardless of this matter, any speech at all was enough to terminate any and all forward locomotion.

The Problem- Unfortunately, the subject is prone to constant speech (as related to the author by the primary care-giver) so the frequency of this phenomenon hindered the progress of the .4 mile hike through the forest, since again, the subject was in front of the traveling party. Initially frustration reigned, but this gave way to mirth as it became clear that nearly 100% of the observable instances of exercising his speech abilities, his ability to walk would cease. After a time, it became downright hilarious.

The Questions-

1. Does this phenomenon occur in wild specimens as well as the domesticated? This is unknown as even the most thorough google search has turned up negative results on the locomotive vs. speech capabilities of the wild five-year-old.

2. At what ages are the commencement and termination points of this particular malady?

3. Does funding exist for more observation and study?

4. Why was the five-year-old leading in the first place?

Further research is warranted.

*Author’s note: At one point, as chief observer of this phenomenon, I attempted to rectify the apparent paralysis with a gentle kick to the ass- to jump-start locomotive capabilities. This practice was terminated by the primary care-giver and my better half before conclusive results could be reached.


4 thoughts on “Speech Induced Paralysis in the Domesticated Five-Year-Old

  1. Perhaps this is an extension of the paralysis found in non/barely verbal grubs that become paralyzed in a crouching or a pointing position every time they see a rock, a weed, a bird, tree, ant or something shiny?

    • Interesting theory- you’re suggesting that the stimuli which induces this impediment to locomotion might be broader than simple speech communication?
      How good are you at grant writing? We need cash money to research this in depth.

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