So, if you’ll remember a few weeks ago, I wrote a post complaining and whining about my wife wanting to do the Whole30 diet. I’ve agreed to go along with it, and we’re starting it up sometime after I (hopefully) get an interview for one of the positions I applied for before I was hired for the position I was hired for last night. (follow me?)
We’re trying to ease our way into it, so there’s not so much of a shock to the system when we get fully into a dietary program that eliminates all forms of sugar, dairy, and grains. Literally everything in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is off the table for an entire month.
I nearly revolted when I found out what this means for my morning coffee. Now, I’ll drink black coffee without too much complaint….every now and then. Usually, when someone at work is going for a coffee run, I’ll order it black so there’s nothing for them to remember. Or, if I desperately need every drop of coffee I can pour into my system that I can, I’ll skip putting milk in the cup to make room for more coffee.
….but the Whole30 maniacs told me I don’t HAVE to drink it black. Oh no…there are alternatives. “Drink it with coconut milk” they said. “It’ll lighten it and sweeten it for you naturally.”
We decided to try it, so I carefully checked the options for coconut milk in the grocery store the other day. Smart me even made sure to buy the one that has 0g of sugar, since that is now illegal and will get the Whole30 Gestapo to come to your house and kick you in the wedding tackle.
The more I thought about it, the more I wondered how exactly it was supposed to sweeten my coffee if there’s no sugar in it?
Turns out, it doesn’t. At all.
All coconut milk does to coffee, is ruin it.
You need four gallons of the stuff to even remotely lighten it, it leaves weird floaty bits on top of the drink, and it does nothing at all for the taste.
Look, Whole30 people….I don’t mind if you want to lay Stalin-esque restrictions on my diet for a month, but stop lying about things. All you needed to say is “Your coffee will be black for a month” and we’d have had a much better relationship. But since you tried to sneak this ‘substitute’ or ‘alternative’ into the mix, I’m going to be side-eying your nonsensical ways for the entire 30 days.