Judge My Judging

Good evening. Shift is about over, and its slow, so I thought I’d throw up an update. Work’s been steady, and we’re about to have some major schedule changes, but more on that another day.

If you’re a regular, you’ll recall that my brother in law had been having an affair, the entire time carefully laying out the groundwork for the breakup with his wife. A bit of a control freak, he’s had all this all planned for months.

In my last post, I mentioned that he’d told everyone in his family about it- literally everyone except this guy’s wife knew he was screwing around on her. Shockingly, my wife’s parents were ‘okay’ with his giant ruse. His younger brother was not, nor was my wife.

My wife essentially told him “Tell your wife, or I do.” ….and she did after he made no move to do so himself.

Then came the phone calls. Her father basically told her that she had no right to do so, and she she owed her brother (the cheater) an apology.
Her brother (the cheater) called her and told her that he was going to tell his poor wife that she had made a mistake, gotten some bad information, or lied….whatever. Either way, he was denying it all.

In the end, she got a text back from the soon-to-be ex-sister-in law thanking her for telling her, that she’d figured out the truth.

The lid has been blown off the matter, and now the chips need to fall where they will.

I’ve had a few conversations with my youngest brother-in-law and we’re on the same page, but we both agreed not to talk about it anymore since it not only doesn’t concern us, but we’re far enough away from it all that anything we do say is basically conjecture, and not helpful to anyone.

That being said…..I made a judgement call.

Essentially, I want nothing to do with my wife’s oldest brother. (the cheater)

Now, I FULLY understand that marriages fail. People change, grow apart…whatever. Relationships aren’t always blessed with prosperity and happiness. I get that, and that’s not the issue.

The PROBLEM I have here, is the execution of his scheme. He’s been fooling around for four months, controlling every little detail of this, to the point where he was going to flat-out LIE to his wife about my wife’s telling her the truth.
This is not how one should act. To me, this entire thing smacks of cowardice. If things are bad at home, be an adult and address them properly. Don’t go sneaking around on your wife- who by the way, was willing to go to marriage counseling and fix whatever might have been broken. He lurked in the shadows for months, completely willing to manipulate his wife just because he was ‘happy with the new girl,’ never intending to tell her the truth.

Everyone deserves to be happy, for certain. I just don’t think that anyone has the right to take that happiness at the emotional expense of someone else- especially not your spouse.

This is where you come in. Am I judging the matter too harshly? I refuse to talk to any of the family about it because it isn’t my business, but at the same time I’m completely willing to write this guy off as a coward and a liar, demolishing any credibility and respect he’s had from me.

Do I mellow out, accept that his wife (whom my wife and I adore and will CONTINUE to be a part of our lives if we have anything to say about it.) has been wronged, will go away, and everyone will move on? Or, do I have a bit of justification in my ire towards him?

At this point in time, I have nothing to say to him, nor do I care to find any reason to have a discussion with him about anything at all. When he was visiting for Christmas with the rest of my wife’s family, I was distant and cold towards him, and I have no problem continuing that.

From where I sit, on the outside looking in- the man screwed up and played emotional games with someone who cares for him, the whole time looking for love and happiness elsewhere. As much as I understand that things can fall apart, I can’t condone this. I can’t respect him, and I sure as hell don’t want any part of him and his new girlfriend.

Am I being too harsh? Or should I be glad that he’s ‘finally happy?’ (his words)




9 thoughts on “Judge My Judging

  1. I’m with you. I’d feel and act the exact same way. Good for your wife in telling her. And let’s see how long his happiness last with his affair partner.
    I don’t get why people cheat. Get out of the marriage first!

  2. I agree with you too. About 15 years ago, my first wife did pretty much the same thing to me.
    It seems as though he told people about it because he may have felt some guilt and was looking for justification for his actions. Now I can see telling a close friend about it, but relatives ? That’s really very strange.

    The best case is that he’s not thinking clearly right now and at some point he will regret his actions. And maybe you could tell him that ? Tell him something like, ‘This is not the type of thing I would expect you to do, and I hope that some time soon you will realize that what you did is wrong and you have hurt several people, and until then, I’m not going to talk to you’ That might help to defuse your anger about what happened. All these years ago, this is what my Mom advised me to do, and I felt much better afterwards.

    • I’m terribly sorry you had to go through that. I can’t completely empathize, since in this case I’m on the outside looking in. I think at some point I’ll have to talk to him about this whole thing, and to be honest, you’ve given me a jumping off point. Thank you. We live far enough away from each other that I’ll probably have cooled down a little by the next opportunity we have to meet. Maybe.
      One thing I will disagree with though, is his motivation for sharing with others was clearly not out of any sense of guilt. Not when he was perfectly willing to call his sister (my wife) a liar when his wife confronted him with the truth She had been provided. It is THAT which irks me enough to contemplate putting off our next verbal interaction until sometime after my grandkids retire from the working world.
      But, we shall see. Thanks as always for your input!

  3. I just checked your blog and had some catching up to do. Your wife is my hero. I did the same thing. I told a close friend I would tell or he would. He did, his wife divorced him and he regrets the affair.
    I have concerns about your wife’s parents. Why would they turn on her when their son is so completely in the wrong? Many parents chose one child as the “golden child” and spoil him/her rotten thus making a narcissist. The fact that he openly bragged about it speaks volumes. I am guessing your approval, or disapproval, will have no impact since narcissist never have any depth. It is always all about them.

    • You couldn’t be more spot on…with all of it. He’s the middle child of the family, and can do no wrong. At least, historically thats been the case. Of late, his mother has come around and has voiced displeasure over the whole thing. Even going so far as to post some not-so-subtle things in Facebook. His father, I dont think actually SUPPORTS him, he just wants an ugly situation to go away, and my wife spilling the beans ensured that the whole thing wasnt going to vanish smoothly.
      There has been a development that is going to necessitate my stepping in at some point, but not in an effort to change his mind or set him straight. He’s not going to ever admit making a mistake in deed or in method. Instead, my contact with him is going to be an attempt to exact an apology from him to my wife for trying to make her out to be a liar or a fool to cover his lie.
      The whole thing is a mess, and promises to be for some time….all because he’s too much of a narcissistic a-hole to know, or care that he’s causing everyone around him grief. “As long as I’m happy…..”
      Thank you for your comment, it is very much appreciated!

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